In The Year 2000

In The Year 2000, with Stephen Colbert

In The Year 2000 and In The Year 3000 are identical sketches that appeared frequently on Late Night and The Tonight Show respectively.

About

In The Year 2000

Originally a sketch from Late Night, In The Year 2000 was a sketch in which Conan and Andy, or one of the guests, would proclaim it is time to look "into the future." While the sketch started before the year 2000, the segment remained with the same name, for comic purposes.

In the sketch, Conan and a fellow guest would wear a black smock with alien-like elements around the neck, while the normal lights are turned down, and green lights are turned on. While an eerie music plays in the background, LaBamba sings in a high-pitched voice the title of the sketch, and is being followed by Conan or the guest, holding a flashlight under their faces, in their predictions on the Year 2000, which would often related to current news.

In The Year 3000

On the third show of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, Conan proclaimed, for the first time since the end of Late Night, that it was time to look into the future. Andy was surprised to discover that nothing has changed since he left Late Night all those years ago. Nothing that it is 2009, Andy suggested a change - even with the smocks, which he claimed to be the "ratty, old smocks." Conan then agreed to look into the "real", distant future. During Andy's objections to the return of the well-known sketch, the audience was booing Andy's reasoning.

A new screen title appeared, presenting this sketch as "In The Year 3000", with new-looking shoulder-covers ascending from the ceiling, featuring red flashing lights. Conan claimed "these cost a lot of money", while Andy noted "they kinda smell bad", to which Conan agreed. With a burst of laughter, Conan asked LaBamba, wearing the same shoulder-covers, to start again.

Appearances

September 18, 1995

• Anna Nicole Smith's breasts will be asked to host the Academy Awards. Only one will accept, leading to the feud of the century.
• The team of Robert Shapiro and Johnny Cochrane will lose decisively to Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden in Wrestlemania 20.
• Michael Jackson will take cosmetic surgery to a new level when he appears at the MTV Video Music Awards with no skin whatsoever.
• Tired, frustrated, and out of new ideas, hurricanes will finally give up.
• Following new allegations of sexual harassment, Bob Packwood is again forced to resign from his job as a monkey trainer.
• Kentucky Fried Chicken will go bankrupt when it reveals that its new extra-extra-extra crispy recipe is made from human teeth.
• Marine biologists will finally decipher the language of the dolphins, only to find they spend most of their time repeating old Cheech and Chong routines.
• The American people will decide to let a new supercomputer pick the next President. The winner: Adolf Delano Hasselhoff.
• The phrase "looking out for number one" will take on a horrific new meaning as the world is overrun by giant, weak-bladdered dogs.
• Man will be able to travel through space at ten times the speed of light after NASA develops a machine that can slow light down.
• The Miss America pageant will once again be criticized when the public votes to keep the "faking an orgasm" competition.

December 17, 1995

• Rosanne will be voted the most desirable woman - by the National Association of Cannibals.
• The radio signals scientist have been spending into space will finally get a reply. Their simple message: "Less talk, more rock."
• In a controversial move, Ted Kennedy's head will be added to Mount Rushmore - not a sculpture, but his actual head.
• Bill Gates will go from a billionaire to a trillionaire, then blow it all at three-card monte.
• Men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs is to make out.
• Every product sold in America's grocery stores will be lemon-scented, except for lemons.
• Faxes will give way to a new and more horrific form of instantaneous communication: the screaming toilet.
• Violent crime will become so rampant in New York, street signs will say "stab" and "don't stab"
• Oliver Stone's new movie Clinton will be hurt at the box office when it receives a triple X rating.
• Packaged Toll House cookies will become so soft and chewy that people will no longer fear death.
• Hooters will open a restaurant featuring its original waitresses. It will be called "Saggies".

May 7, 1996

• The language of the cow is finally deciphered; the word "moo" means "I dare you to slaughter and eat me".
• America rejoices as General Colin Powell finally agrees to accept the job as the nation's 43rd Batman.
• The Mafia will completely run out of animal nicknames after the death of Jimmy "The Duck-Billed Platypus" Santoli.
• Vegetarians will be horrified to learn that plants do have thoughts and feelings. The main thing they think and feel - that vegetarians are incredibly annoying.
• Starbucks makes franchise history by opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.
• President Pat Buchanan will build an electrified chain-link fence around America and refuse to give Mexicans back their Whiffle balls.
• Hootie and the Blowfish break up over creative differences and reform as Hootie and Garfunkel.
• The birds and bees will finally get it on, created the most feared creature of all time: the bumblehawk.
• After a nasty breakup, Siskel and Ebert fight it out in court to see who gets custody of their thumbs.
• The United States Armed Forces will be comprised entirely of robots. Surprisingly, this will not end the problem of gays in the military.
• The public panics when subway gunman Bernard Goetz and Jack Kevorkian join forces and start shooting people who look sick.

September 3, 1996

• Dr. Jack Kevorkian will have reduced the Earth's population to just himself and Cindy Crawford.
• A daring and controversial plan to capture Bigfoot will fail when he sends a friend to accept his Oscar for him.
• After being outed, Hurricane Bob says that it preferred being called Hurricane Roberta.
• Traffic will be so congested that the only effective method of transportation will be to be carried around by Bela Karolyi.
• The so-called Mars space organism will turn out to be just a cruel hoax played on us by the mole people who live at the center of the Earth
• Historians will discover and early version of the Emancipation Proclamation containing over two dozen uses of the word "honky".
• Condoms will be so well-formed and comfortable that most men will prefer to date them.
• The TV show Friends will be forced to go off the air when the couch and chair in Monica's apartment demand $200,000 per episode.
• After his sex change, Conan O'Brien will move his talk show to the morning, when it will be called Good Morning With Granny Conanny.
• Scientists will be shocked to discover that the monkey responsible for the Ebola virus is also responsible for the Macarena.

January 1, 1997

• The New York schoolboard will crack down on students who carry guns by insisting they use silencers while in the library.
• Riding on the success of Evita, producers hurry to release the life story of another prominent women: Boobita: The Trials of Tribulations of Pamela Lee.
• The urban dialect Ebonics will replace English as the nation's chief language. Instead of ending the inaugural oath with "so help me, God", Presidents will say "yo, God, don't play me, sucker!"
• Zero population growth will finally be achieved with the widespread use of a highly effective contraceptive: Michael Jordan cologne.
• Johnson and Johnson will replace its "no more tears" baby shampoo with the much more useful "no more poo that looks like mustard" baby shampoo.
• After retiring from the White House, President Clinton requests and is granted an appointment to a newly-formed position in the department of health. His title: National Breast and Fried Food Inspector.
• Boutros Boutros-Galli will suffer yet another humiliation when the world decides his name is too ridiculous and forces him to answer to "Johnny Bacon Bits".
• After a three-year debate, Congress finally hammers out a compromise on social security reform. Benefits will remain the same, but the name "social security" will be changed to "here's your check, you money-grubbing old crone".
• Ted Kennedy agrees to donate his head to science. After his death, it will be hollowed out and used as a medical school dormitory.
• In an attempt to update its image, Disney will produce a hardcore gay porno film. Unfortunately, two of its stars, Chip and Dale will be tragically suffocated.
• The most popular bumper sticker in Guatemala will be "my child was a Kathie Lee employee of the month."

February 18, 1998

• Oprah Winfrey will again take on the Texas cattle industry, this time defeating forty of their biggest steers in an exciting month-long graze-off.
• Golfer Casey Martin will win the right to drive is golf cart at the Indianapolis 500.
• Believers in extraterrestrials will be devastated when strange, high-frequency signals from outer space turn out to be coming from John Glenn's medic alert bracelet.
• Parents will no longer circumcise their baby boys, but Andy Richter will.
• Jesus will return to Earth, supposedly to help us begin a new era of peace and spiritual awakening. In reality, however, he'll spend most of his time golfing with Vernon Jordan.
• In a controversial cost-cutting measure, Olympic snowboarders will be awarded medals in bronze, silver, and hemp.
• An aging and senile ex-President Clinton will legally change his name to "Bubba Wanna Burger Chief Bootyknocker".
• The Chinese astrological society will announce that due to a clerical error made 5,000 years ago, people who thought they were Dragons are actually Monkeys, people who thought they were Monkeys are actually Chickens, and people who thought they were Chickens were actually Dragons. And suddenly, just like that, it all makes sense.
• A desperate, sex-starved Monica Lewinsky will be spotted licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore.

October 8, 1998

• Tired of all the infidelity, Hillary Clinton will divorce President Clinton and remarry, becoming Mrs. Charlie Sheen.
• Sales of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter will decline rapidly when it's name in inexplicably changed to I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler.
• Viagra will become a popular doggy snack. As a result, dachshunds will become nine feet long and rock hard.
• Plants will stop relying on sunlight, soil, and water when they taste their first chili dog.
• OJ Simpson will finally be accepted again in American society, and will even land an endorsement deal for the popular new product: Murder Pie.
• The letter G decides its had enough humiliation and forced Kenny G to change his named to Kenny H.
• Conan O'Brien's book about his own sexual escapades will be banned by schoolboards - not for explicit descriptions of sex, but for inaccurate descriptions of sex.
• Boomerangs will no longer come back immediately after you throw them, but rather when they're damn good and ready.
• The Rose Bowl will be renamed the Roseanne Bowl with the addition of 40 thousand seats.
• Mark McGuire will hit 80 home runs, but will alienate many fans when he declares on national TV, "I am so impressed that what I've done I could just do myself in the butt."
• Bill Clinton will be slapped with the most embarrassing paternity suit of all time when Monica Lewinsky gives birth to a pack of Marlboro Lites.

January 13, 1999

• The man who caught Mark McGuire's 62nd home run ball and then gave it back for free winds up his triumphant world tour as the stupidest man who ever lived.
• Air pollution will make people so brain damaged that Pia Zadora will get famous all over again.
• The scientific community will be stunned when Haley's Comet return 62 years ahead of schedule saying "Never mind the calendar, just pas the pipe."
• The fat kid from Head of the Class will finally give in and change his name to "the fat kid from Head of the Class".
• Bill Gates will be impoverished after spending all of his $70 billion on research to fight dorkiness.
• After an all-night drinking session, the Baseball Writers of America will elect Vendela to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
• After several cohosts of The View disappear mysteriously, new cohosts are warned not to accept Star Jones' traditional welcoming gift: a sleeping bag made of French bread.
• The problem of how to continue this Year 2000 bit once it becomes the year 2000 will be solved when the show is cancelled in December 1999 and replaced by an infomercial about miracle herbs that reduce menstrual cramping starring Joyce Dewitt, who ironically doesn't even menstruate anymore.
• African-American supermodel Roshumba will find new competition from an Orthodox Jewish supermodel, Rosh Hashumba.
• Historical revisionists will shock the world with the revelation that Fuzzy Wuzzy was not a bear who had no hair, but instead was a cruel dictator who murdered his own people.
• The lovable Taco Bell dog replaces his famous slogan, "Yo quiero Taro Bell!", with the more direct slogan "Woo-hoo, diarrhea party USA!"

March 25, 1999

• Roberto Benigni will lose many of his new found fans with a sequel to Life is Beautiful called Life is Beautiful 2: Electric Boogaloo.
• The moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie will no longer be a more, but a defense for justifiable homicide.
• Ater hearing that Celine Dion is taking two years off from music to have a baby, the American listening public tries desperately to impregnate Kenny G.
• The lower will be declared the official lip of the Winter Olympics.
• A very upset Jesus Christ returns to Earth and appears on The Ricki Lake Show. The topic: "My dad dresses too sexy".
• Secret documents will reveal why Baskin Robbins stopped at 31 flavors. Flavor 32 tasted too much like Gary Coleman.
• Two billionaire balloonists successfully circumnavigate the globe, setting a new record - not for distance, but for number of people who don't care.
• Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress will be sold at auction to an evil industrialists, who will use the DNA to clone his own army of horny, lying rednecks.
• Soon after the country's most beloved TV personality is killed in a skydiving accident, industrious fans turn tragedy into opportunity by opening Oprah Crater Park.
• In an official policy change, mob hitmen will no longer give their victims the "kiss of death" but the far more pleasurable "hummer of doom".
• Tired of all the skinny jokes, Calista Flockhart decides to eat a 25-pound steak on national television. Unfortunately, she forgets a knife and has cut the meat with her elbow.
• At the stroke of midnight in the new millennium, actor Ben Affleck will grab the microphone from Dick Clark, look into the camera, and say "Wake up, America! I'm a dope!"
• An angry and embarrassed ozone layer will slap American scientists with a $20 million libel suit for "the demeaning and degrading discussion regarding the size of my hole".

June 18, 1999

• Jesse Camp will be formally inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Annoying Dumbasses.
• No longer embarrassed about his religious upbringing, Dr. Pepper will begin using his real name; Dr. Sheldon Weintraube.
• Due to political correctness, the country of Uruguay will be forced to change its name to "Uruguay, but there's nothing wrong with that".
• It will be revealed that the only reason the mitten was invented was because something cute was needed to rhyme with "kitten".
• Singer Meat Loaf will become the spokesman for a company that makes meat loaf, Vanilla Ice will become a spokesman for a company that makes vanilla ice, and MC Hammer will be arrested for stealing a bike.
• To compete with Chinese restaurants, Taco Bell will offer its own version of the fortune cookie called the "fortune tostada". The most common fortune found in the tostada? "tonight, you'll have crippling diarrhea."
• Scientists discover that the reason moths are attracted to light is because they need light to be able to read their moth porn.
• In one of the most negative, ruthless presidential campaigns ever, candidates will run ads accusing their opponent of coming up with the idea for Jar Jar Binks.
• Computers will be convicted that it is the year 1900. They will support President McKinley, grow handlebar mustaches, and crack the heads of the filthy Irish.
• A teenage boy will smoke his first marijuana cigarette. Within an hour, he will laugh at the thought of a horse riding a jockey instead of the other way around.
• In a truly historic moment, Neil Armstrong's son will land on the moon. His memorable words will be "This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, and Dad, I'm gay!"

July 20, 1999

• Elizabeth Dole's election to the presidency will be ruined when Bob Dole celebrates his wife's victory by pulling off his shirt to reveal a black sports bra.
• The existence of God is finally proven when God himself shows up one day and says "Hey everybody, I'm God!"
• Men's fashion will become a whole lot sexier with the introduction of tiny garments designed to show off testicle cleavage.
• Santa Claus will still fly around the world on one night of the year, but it will be St. Patrick's Day, and he will be drunk off his ass.
• A real giant ape named King Kong will climb the Empire State Building - not to escape a military attack, but because it lives there and it locked its keys in his penthouse apartment.
• Scotch tape will no longer be sticky, but will still hold onto things using guilt and empty promises.
• The televised debates between Senate candidates Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani degenerate from mudslinging to name-calling to hot, sweaty sex.
• After getting drunk and showing his true colors, the egg goes from being known as "the incredible, edible egg" to "the incredible, edible bigot".
• The term "gay" will revert to its 19th century meaning of "happy", as in "happy to be having sex with other men".
• In April, a party will be held to celebrate the 18th birthday of Britney Spears and the second birthday of Britney Spears' breasts.
• Sunsets will no longer be seen as romantic when astronomers discover that as soon as the sun dips below the horizon, it begins frantically masturbating into a sweat sock.

November 24, 1999

• The makers of Camel cigarettes will angrily deny charges that they're targeting kids with the new character in their advertising campaign: Smokémon.
• In a tell-all autobiography, the planet Jupiter swears that it never had a red spot until after it has unprotected sex with Venus.
• Not only will pigeons continue to poop on our heads from midair, they will also swoop down and wipe their butts on our foreheads.
• School attendance will soar as schools offer enormously popular courses in "chillin'" and "gettin' freaky".
• The wedding ceremony of Jerry Seinfeld and Jessica Sklar will conclude in the traditional manner as Jerry steps on and breaks a wine glass to symbolize the destruction of the bride's first marriage.
• In a move that will shock the culinary community, French fries and French toast will disavow all ties to France and ask to be simply known as "greasy potato slippers" and "egg bread soggies".
• ABC's spinoff of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire flops as they record low ratings with Who Wants To Be Ernest Borgnine's Human Lollipop.
• Sales on Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo will drop off dramatically when they change their slogan from "no more tears" to "no more face".
• In a very cruel twist, the one person on the Late Night staff who has no financial interest whatsoever in the "In The Year 2000" book will be forced to plug it shamelessly or lose his job.
• After scoring his first hole in one ever, a jubilant OJ Simpson will leap in the air and say "I did it! I murdered by wife - I mean, I got a hole in one in golf."
• On Christmas morning, Santa Claus will receive a rude shock when he returns home to find Mrs. Claus pleasuring herself on the North Pole.

December 14, 1999

• Pete Rose will finally be allowed into the Baseball Hall of Fame and will win $12 playing craps in the lobby.
• In an effort to make food production more cruelty-free, veal calves will no longer be penned in tiny cages and forced to watch Tango and Cash.
• Allegations of drug use surface again after President George W. Bush's inaugural address goes on for 47 hours.
• Crows will change their call from the familiar "caw, caw" to the more interesting "hey, Kevin, watch me nail that mailman with my poo".
• After years of research, literary scholars will prove once and for all that William Shakespeare was not the author of "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret."
• A major corporation's scheme to purify the human race is uncovered when the operation's secret codename is revealed: Ethnic McCleansing.
• A drunken Billy Joel will burst into a bar and yell "Hey, everyone, the piano man's here!" He will be killed in a hail of beer nuts.
• Author J.D. Salinger will emerge from nearly a half-century of seclusion, but only to tell people that his name is actually pronounced "sa-linger".
• The paperback book "In The Year 2000" will make such a fantastic holiday gift and will sell so many copies that the Year 2000 theme song will be adapted into a beloved Christmas classic for centuries to come.
• Pop-Tarts will lose popularity when they no longer just pop out of the toaster, but leap out, shake their fists, and in a voice choked with emotion, remind you that they're alive, damn it, alive!
• A brave Britney Spears will travel to Chechnya in an attempt to convince warring Chechans and Russians that here breasts are real.

December 30, 1999

• Kathie Lee Gifford will undergo a religious conversion and they annoy the world with her annual Ramadan special.
• An alcoholic will become President of the United State and decree that red wine is now the perfect drink to serve with white wine.
• The stock market will crash again; this time on the couch of its old college roommate.
• Colgate will come out with a new toothpaste that not only whitens teeth but makes them Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
• Men will actually begin desiring women who have great personalities. In a related story, breasts will be renamed "personalities".
• Fanny packs will be outlawed when conclusive proof links them with fanny cancer.
• In taste tests, spermicidal jelly will overtake petroleum jelly as America's favorite poisonous, non-edible jelly.
• Poland's tourist board embarks on a misguided advertising campaign with the slogan "Come see why our hockey team drowned in spring training."
• Men won't be concerned about the size of their penises or the amount of hair on their heads, but with the amount of hair on their penises.
• The 20th anniversary of the release of the Christopher Cross song "Sailing" will be celebrated, but only by Christopher Cross.
• Tired of the same old routine every New Year's Eve, a drunken, crazy Dick Clark flashes the crowd and declares to an audience of millions "Why watch one ball drop when you could see these two low-hangers?"

May 11, 2000

• Historians will reveal that Columbus was wrong - not about the Earth being round, but about his boast that he could eat his weight in room-temperature lunch meat.
• The Olympics will go from being held every four years to every four minutes.
• Captain Crunch will return from five months at sea to find that his wife has been banging Count Chocula.
• Jesus returns to Earth and attends the Broadway revival of Jesus Christ Superstar, after which he remarks "I'm just glad I didn't die in vain." People everyone will hail the new sarcastic Jesus.
• Mount Everest will have a mid-life crisis, begin combing snow over its bald patches, and drunkenly hit on Mount McKinley's teenage daughter.
• In yet another move to protect her private life and hide from the public eye, Darva Conger will ask that her name be left off the credits of her 18th hardcore porno movie.
• Donkeys will demand that people stop calling them jackasses unless they're caught wearing stone-washed jeans.
• All strip clubs closed by mayor Rudy Giuliani will be replaced by the much more popular "cheat on your wife and deny it for years" clubs.
• Female gorillas will stop eating bananas when they realize that male gorillas are giggling while they do it.
• Disappointed that he's missing out on the Latin explosion, zombie Desi Arnaz makes a surprise appearance at a Ricky Martin concert and belts out a version of his classic Babalu, during which his jaw falls off.
• People will stop saying the popular phrase "go for it" when it's revealed that "it" is a goat's testicle.

July 18, 2000

This segment was cohosted by William Shatner.

• Perrier will reveal that their water doesn't come from an underground spring in France, but from a sweaty Gerard Depardieu.
• Congress passes legislation making prostitution legal, but only for congressmen.
• The expression "stick it where the sun don't shine" will lose its meaning when the sun actually starts shining up our asses.
• After several consultations with Prince, Michael Bolton makes a bold move and changes his name to "The Artist Currently Known as Suckhead".
• NBC finally has a successful reality show when they place 40 cameras inside an unemployment office to watch the interactions of fired NBC executives.
• Instead of yelling "Play ball!" at the start of every game, baseball umpires with start yelling "I'm fat!"
• Some people will soften their view of Hitler when it's discovered that he wrote a sequel named Mein Kampf named Mein Kitten.
• It will be discovered that Abraham Lincoln's beard was fake and he only wore it to cover up his weird-looking real beard.
• The director's cut of Kevin Costner's The Postman will come out of DVD, revealing that if Kevin Costner had full creative control, the film would've had some baseball in it.
• All celebrities that own a certain internet stock will make a fortune when their company is mentioned three times in a Late Night comedy bit. Priceline.com, priceline.com, priceline.com.
• With its new slogan, "We've cut out the middle man.", Taco Bell will proudly introduce its latest offering: a burrito filled with power diarrhea.

May 4, 2001

This segment was cohosted by Sting.

• Gays cows will alienate other cows when they start wearing leather.
• The XFL will return and become the most popular football league of all time - on Planet Moron.
• The practice of allowing elderly millionaires to travel to the International Space Station will be stopped after it's discovered that the space station has had its blinker on for the last 17 million miles.
• People will fear death as never before when it's discovered that the warm inviting light at the end of the tunnel is actually a high-speed Japanese bullet train.
• After the Yankees win the World Series again, Chuck Knoblauch throws a huge party, but the party goes over the first baseman's head and into the dugout.
• Fans of the rock group Styx will be forced to reexamine the song "Mr. Roboto" when band members reveal the line "Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto" was meant sarcastically.
• Sting will finally drop all pretentions and go back to his original name: Applesauce McGee.
• After Sting states he can have sex for over twelve hours with his partner, Conan tops him by revealing he can have sex for over twelve hours without a partner.
• An apple will fall from a tree and inspire a young scientist named Newton to begin formulating theories of gravity. Someone will point out that this was done a long time ago. Newton will then begin to develop a cookie of figs wrapped in golden cake. Again, someone will point out this has been done. Newton will then kill himself.
• Hamburger Helper will be pulled from supermarket shelves after it's discovered that the sole purpose of the helping hand was to help the hamburger masturbate.
• The finale of Survivor 3 will attain the shows' lowest ratings ever when host Jeff Probst arrives at the final council meeting with the votes stuffed in his ass.

June 6, 2001

This episode was cohosted by David Duchovny.

• Singer Meat Loaf will realize that the name "Meat Loaf" is stupid and change his name to the much cooler "Meat Diddy".
• The American bald eagle will be taken off the protected species list, not because it is no longer endangered, but because it is a douchebag.
• It will be discovered that Paul Revere's famous battle cry was not "The British are coming, the British are coming!" but rather "Help, I'm being chased by a bunch of guys in red jackets with bad teeth!"
• As a prank, the United Nations will introduce a new resolution to combine all the countries into one. After the merger is signed by the first two countries, Canada and Peru, all the other countries will laugh and say "Enjoy your new country, Canapu."
• The lost comic strips of Charles M. Schultz will be discovered, in which Charlie Brown actually kicks the football, Linus abandons his blanket, and Peppermint Patty finally whips it out.
• The social order will be inverted when limousine drivers hold their first-ever limo drivers' prom, forcing high school seniors to drive them around town while they get drunk and have sex.
• Women will lose interest in David Duchovny when it's revealed that "Duchovny" is the Russian word for "syphillis".
• Women will lose interest in Conan O'Brien when it's revealed that he has a raging case of Duchovny.
• To keep their conflict interesting to Americans, China and Taiwan begin borrowing storylines from the TV show Felicity. China will cut its hair and Taiwan will totally bag Noel for Ben.
• Sales of Timex watches will drop dramatically when they change their slogan from "it takes a licking, it keeps on ticking" to "it takes a licking, but prefers a sucking".

September 5, 2001

This segment was cohosted by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

• After they all get breast enlargement surgery, the Dixie Chicks change their name to the Dixie Cups.
• Representative Gary Condit will do another interview with Connie Chung, only this time he will ask the questions. His first question: "Why the hell did you marry Maury Povich?"
• Scientists will reveal what is behind the current wave of shark attacks: hungry sharks.
• A third Williams sister, Verenus, will discover a cure for cancer, but we will never find out what it is because her dad makes her play tennis.
• California will solve its energy crisis when state officials finally unplug Robin Williams.

October 7, 2001

This segment was cohosted by Ice-T.

• A civil war will erupt in this country between people who like the new sitcom Emeril and people who don't The guy who likes Emeril will lose.
• All the players on the Dallas Cowboys will be Bah mitzvahed, and in accordance to Jewish law, they will be renamed the Dallas Cowmen.
• The old man from Nantucket will finally pass away and be replaced in dirty limericks by Minnesota Twin Kirby Puckett.
• The country will show more signs of returning to normal when millions of Americans continue not to see the movie Glitter.
• Rob Reiner and Meat Loaf will share a cab. Meat Loaf will say "Hey, we were both called Meat Loaf in the 70s." Rob Reiner will reply "No, I was called 'meathead', not Meat Loaf." They will spend the rest of the cab ride in silence.
• People who don't enjoy eating oatmeal will be jailed without trial. The new law will be one of the many radical changes imposed by President Wilford Brimley.
• Jack in the box toys will decline in popularity when it's discovered that while Jack is in the box, he's frantically masturbating.
• To toughen up its image, beef jerky will change its name to "beef asshole".
• Being true to his name, Ice-T will join the Ice Capades, but be completely unrecognizable in the Snoopy costume.
• Conan O'Brien will change his name to "Ice-C" and will release an album about growing up on the streets. The most controversial song of the album will be called "Please Get Off Of My Head, I'm Late For Chess Club".

January 25, 2002

This segment was cohosted by George Foreman.

• Mike Tyson will shock the boxing world - by boxing.
• Bigfoot will emerge from the woods only to ask why he's not called Bigfeet.
• The Hamburglar will receive a full pardon when he helps the McDonaldland police nab the notorious Ham Murderer.
• For forty days and nights, it will rain. God will command a man named Noah to build an ark, but it's Noah Wylie from ER and he doesn't know how to build an ark, he doesn't get any animals, and the ark sinks and he drowns.
• The bankruptcy of K-Mart will make more sense when it's revealed that the K stands for Kevin Costner.
• Comedian Gallagher will finally make people laugh. He will be survived by his wife and kids.
• Groupies will start following around guys who play air guitar and show their appreciation by getting down on their air knees and giving them airjobs.
• The success of the film Ali will lead to a less successful sequel; Ali, Where's My Car?.
• Osama Bin Laden will finally be gunned down by American troops when he disguises himself as Geraldo Rivera.
• An embarrassed Mike Tyson will admit to the world that the only reason he didn't eat Lennox Lewis's whole foot is because it wasn't cooked on a George Foreman grill.

April 3, 2002

This segment was cohosted by Scott Thompson.

• The American bald eagle will try to make up for its baldness by buying a Porsche and offering female eagles cocaine.
• Liza Minelli will finally suspect that her husband is gay when she realizes that he is married to Liza Minelli.
• Tonya Harding will square off against her toughest opponent yet: a book.
• The military's policy of "don't ask, don't tell" will be replaced with the much most liberal "here, try this anal niterate".
• Instead of saying "thank you", the polite response to the comment "you have something stuck on your tooth" will be "I can't believe I ate all those old people".
• After watching the riveting new Jodie Foster film, upper middle-class families will build panic rooms, while those in the lower middle class will have to settle for spaz cabinets.
• Sesame Street's Ernie and Bert continue to deny that they have a romantic relationship, but will admit that one night after a few too many beers, they did bump felt a little.
• Halle Berry will break down yet another cultural barrier when she becomes the first American-American woman in history to buy a Gordon Lightfoot album.
• Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter will become Doreen Jeter after Ruben Rivera steals his penis.
• The Israelis and the Palestinians will finally stop fighting when they both realize that they both find Louie Anderson slightly depressing.
• It will be discovered that chicken soup does not stop colds, except for colds in the chickens that were brutally slaughtered to make the soup.
• The phrase "it's raining men" will take on new meaning when men start routinely masturbating out their office windows.

September 5, 2002

This segment was cohosted by Jeff Goldblum.

• Justin Timberlake and American Idol's Justin Guarini will join forces on a hit single called "Just Intolerable".
• The US military will not have to remove Saddam Husein from power after he leaves voluntarily to host the new $20,000 pyramid.
• Tired of being the subject of dirty limericks, the old man from Nantucket will move to a new town called Coralsex.
• Liza Minelli and her husband will indeed adopt a baby. However, people will assume it's their biological child when the baby begins popping tranquilizers in gay bars.
• After getting engaged, P. Diddy will try to protect his fortune by asking his fiancée to sign a prenuptial agreement, or prenup. This ordinary legal transaction will from then on always be known as a P. re-nuppity.
• After failing to travel into outer space, Lance Bass will return from Russia and declare the whole thing to have been a hoax. He was never a musician or a singer.
• Players will play, but umpires will strike, leaving baseball games up to the honors system. While cheating rampantly, the Mets will still lose 100 games.
• Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life, she will have to call on the knights sworn to defend her - Elton John, Mick Jagger, and Paul McCartney.
• After their recent appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards, Guns n' Roses will be forced to change their name to "Chubby Magoo and the guys who aren't Slash".
• People who said Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley's marriage wouldn't last a lifetime are proven wrong when the couple dies during a high-speed race to divorce court.
• Due to the success of The Anna Nicole Smith Show, the E! Network creates a similar program starring a bloated body found in the East River.

October 29, 2002

This segment was cohosted by Ted Danson.

• Madonna will launch a worldwide tour of over 200 cities - not to perform songs from her new album, but to apologize for the movie Swept Away.
• In an effort to make it more exciting, daylight savings time will be renamed "daylight awesome time".
• The Lord almighty will descend from the heavens to inform the world of the 1th commandment: "Thou shalt stop acting like a jerk and return my Hives CD, Barry."
• Babies will reveal that "goo goo" and "ga ga" is actually baby-speak for "I love the films of Dolph Lundgren".
• For the first time in our nation's history, African-Americans will ask to be called Africans in an effort to completely distance themselves from the show American Idol.
• Hundreds of teens will turn gay after they try to imitate scenes from Jackass: The Musical.
• With the advent of high-definition television, home viewers will see actors with extreme clarity and detail, thus they will demand that the starts of Sex And The City change the name of their show to The Golden Girls.
• Thousands of senior citizens touring New England this fall will be shocked when the autumn leaves refuse top change color, but instead stand by the side of the road and make farting noises.
• Rather than waste time with an office visit, Christina Aguilera will send her gynecologist a copy of her latest video.
• Pope John Paul II will finally allow priests to get married, but only to him.
• On the final episode of Becker, Ted Danson will shock viewers by pulling off his bald spot to reveal a full head of hair.
• On the final episode of Late Night With Conan O'Brien, Conan O'Brien will pull off his toupee, completely shocking his viewer.

November 27, 2002

This segment was cohosted by Andy Richter.

• Michael Jackson' son, Prince Michael II, will write a memoir in which he wistfully recalls that one glorius moment on the balcony when he nearly escaped.
• Christian fundamentalists will briefly reconsider their homosexuality when they find a bunch of misprinted Bibles that actually do say "Adam and Steve".
• U.N. weapons inspectors in Iraq will make a most horrific discovery beneath one of Saddam's palaces - master tapes for a new Spin Doctors album.
• The world will bid a fond farewell to one of its favorite and most beloved entertainers when Bill Maher gets drunk at a party, gets behind the wheel of his car, and runs over Angela Lansbury.
• We will finally learn what makes French vanilla ice cream different from regular vanilla: cowardice.
• Chemists will discover what makes simple sugars simple: their parents were brother and sister.
• When a cruise ship sinks in the Bahamas, Leeza Gibbons will be forced to choose between saving 100 children or actor Matthew Perry. Later, she will send a letter to the grieving parents which will begin "Buckle up for another season of Friends!"
• Ballpark franks will no longer plump when you cook them, but rather moan when you suck them.
• New Yorkers will burn the New York Post headquarters to the ground when a picture of Cuba Gooding Jr. holding a rabbit appears of page six without the caption "Show me the bunny!"
• People will automatically smile for picture when photographers develop a flash that emits not only a sudden burst of light, but the sound of Barbara Streisand being mauled by a bear.

March 28, 2003

This segment was cohosted by Chris Rock.

• Freedom fries and freedom toast will go back to being called French fries and French toast when oil is discovered outside Paris.
• After Celine Dion begins a three-year contract show in Las Vegas, the US government announces that its plans to presume nuclear testing in Nevada.
• The legend of Johnny Appleseed will be tarnished when it's revealed that he only planted apple trees to hide his marijuana crops.
• Violence in the music business will reach a new peak when rapper 50 Cent is cut into quarters.
• Michael Moore will rpotest the war in Iraq by going on a hunger strike. No one will notice for the first 15 years.
• Corn on the cob will be viciously mugged by corn on the crack pipe.
• When it's discovered that it takes exactly 467 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announce that sciecne is officially over.
• A Black man will be elected President of the United States. Oh, I'm sorry, that's in the year 10000.
• Terrorism experts will reveal that dirty bombs are just regular bombs that enjoy sleeping with high school chicks.
• A strange virus will kill every man in the world except Conan O'Brien and every woman in the world except Jennifer Lopez. The marriage will last 32 days.

May 22, 2003

This segment was co-hosted by Jim Carrey.

• Robots will do all of our dull, repetitive tasks, such as washing dishes and marrying J-Lo.
• Brain-sucking aliens will invade the Earth, but they will all die trying to imitate the stunts on Jackass.
• Male doctors will no longer be allowed to become gynecologists when a group of them are caught high-fiving at a convention.
• Tired of being referred to simply as drunks, Irish-Americans will legally change their name to Drunken-Americans.
• Louie Anderson publicly converts to atheism when, for the third day in a row, his bag of Cheetos gets stuck on the coil of a vending machine.
• The answer to the question "Is their life after death?" will finally be answered when the corpse of Winston Churchill holds a press conference and says "No."
• Sales of IZOD shirts will decline dramatically when it's revealed that the alligator has a small child in his mouth.
• It will be revealed that carrots do not actually improve your eyesight, but they are still number one when it comes to scratching a deep rectal itch.
• The French Riviera will be completely abandoned after its name is changed to the Geraldo Riviera.
• A woman will play and win a tournament for the PGA, when the PGA stands for Poontang Golfers Association.
• The New York Knicks and N*Sync sue each other, each claiming it was their idea to be five guys who suck.
• Conan O'Brien will be out Jim Carrey for the lead role in The Mask: Part 2. I'm sorry, did I say The Mask: Part 2? I meant Mask: Part 2, the Rocky Dennis story.
• Jim Carrey will commit his first murder of a fan after someone who just saw Bruce Almighty approaches Carry and says "Almighty then!"

October 2, 2003

This segment was cohosted by Jack Black.

• The Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox will meet in the World Series - up in the bleachers, where they'll have a great view of the Yankees and Braves.
• The recording artist once named P!nk will be called Beige when people realize that's the color you get when you mix her name with the crap she records.
• Thanks to advances in automation, Nike shoes will be made by robots. Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children in Malaysia.
• We will at last have definitive proof that Jesus is the son of God when Jesus borrows and wrecks God's Chevy Cavalier.
• A man with a bulge in his crotch will be asked by his girlfriend if he has a banana in his pocket or if he's just happy to see her. In fact, he will both be happy to see her and have a banana in his pocket. From that point on, men with bulges will be asked "Is that a banana in your pocket and/or are you happy to see me?".
• Shoehorns will stop helping feet slide into shoes and start trying to bang the shoes themselves.
• Ancient scrolls will reveal that Noah originally planned on bringing three of each species on his ark, not to save them from the flood, but just to see if any animals were into that kind of thing.
• California governor Gary Coleman releases all the inmates from the state penitentiaries in order to be reunited with the cast of Different Strokes.
• Anna Nicole Smith will team up with the makers of Altoids mints to introduce their newest flavor: winter bacon.
• The line between Hasidic Jews and the Amish will further blur when the Amish will start performing Barn Mitzvahs.
• Rumors that Batman and Robin are gay will be confirmed when they legally change their names to Topman and Bottom.
• Bars will serve a popular new drink called Jack Blackened Coke. It will be two parts whiskey, one part Coke, and three parts whoopass, bee-otch!

March 3, 2004

This segment was cohosted by Snoop Dogg.

• Michael Jackson dies and leaves his body to science - specifically, an all-boys seventh grade science class.
• The WB will air a hip-hop version of The Bachelorette. It will be called The Bee-otchelorette.
• With the release of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, the suffering of Jesus will finally be seen the way God intended: in air-conditioned comfort with nachos and a Cherry Coke.
• The icecaps will melt sooner than scientists expected when the OC gets even hotter.
• Birds will admit that the only reason they fly to warmer climates in the winter is to follow Jimmy Buffett.
• A South African woman and an African man will produce a beautiful child - if Charlize Theron calls Snoop Dogg.
• Ruben Studdard will lose 200 pounds when he misplaces his 200-pound bag of bacon.
• Sales of Rice Krispies will plummet when Snap, Crackle, and Pop are replaced with Pimp, Ho, and Skanky.
• Gay men will not be allowed to marry each other but will still be nmore than welcome to marry Liza Minelli.
• Snoop Dogg will convert to Judaism and change his trademark "fo shizzle, my nizzle" to "schietzel, fazeitzel".

April 1, 2004

This segment was cohosted by Al Franken.

• After being convicted, Michael Jackson escapes from prison disguised as a black man who loves grownups.
• Parents will no longer let their kids watch SpongeBob Squarepants when it is revealed that SpongeBob once worked as a female contraceptive.
• Major League Baseball will finally crack down on steroids. Barry Bonds will again lead the majors in home runs with three.
• After being criticized for killing hundreds of semidomesticated pheasants on their last hunting trip, Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia will take up fishing. Their first grenade kills 300 fish.
• Clay Aiken will clear up all the uncertainty about his sexual preference when he releases his next album, I'm Aiken For Men.
• In an effort to appear more youthful and smooth-faced, John Kerry will announce his running mate: Clint Eastwood.
• President Bush will throw out the first pitch at the St. Louis Cardinals' opening game. Bush will then pitch the rest of the game when he insists that replacing him now will send the wrong message to our enemies.
• Police will accuse Woody Allen of being a mass murderer, and adding insult to injury, they will tell him they prefer his earlier, funnier murders.
• A law will be passed allowing women to kill one ex-boyfriend with no consequences. Long-haired bass players named Steve will be wiped off the face of the Earth.
• A mad scientist will switch the brains of Bill O'Reilly and Al Franken. As a result, Bill O'Reilly will support liberal causes and Al Franken will masturbate to old John Wayne movies.

May 11, 2004

This segment was cohosted by James Lipton.

• Sales of Hersheys Kisses will plummet when the Kisses start slipping people some tongue.
• Ruben Studdard will announce that in order to lose weight, he has gotten his stomach stapled. Unfortunately, the staples are made of pure Canadian bacon.
• An English major will break up with her boyfriend. She will make him feel better by reassuring him "It's not you, it's I."
• Federal investigators will break into Barry Bonds' house, just as the slugger is opening a bottle of steroids. Bonds will evade arrest, however, by tossing the bottle a thousand miles into space.
• Adidas will make a $250 sneaker equipped with a computer. The sneaker will be so smart it will make fun of you for wasting $250 on a sneaker.
• Men everywhere will find it easier to quit smoking when the nicotine patch is replaced with the far more effective nicotine hooker.
• Historians will discover than Julius Caesar's last words were not "Et tu, Brute?" but rather "Not in the crotch, not in the crotch!"
• Comedians will feel so guilty about all the MC Hammer jokes they've told, they will mail Hammer a check for $10 million, which Hammer will immediately invest in a magical chocolate racehorse.
• Twenty years after the series ended, the Friends cast will reunite for a special reunion show. Everyone will participate except Mexican dictator Matt LeBlanc.
• Even gays will object to gay marriage when James Lipton marries Ice-T to become James Lipton-Ice-T.
• An evil writer for Late Night With Conan O'Brien will set out to see if James Lipton will say "Pete paints pretty pink ping-pong balls with his penis". James Lipton will, of course, refuse.
• Batman will admit that he's gay and Clay Aiken will admit that he's Batman.

December 19, 2004

This segment was cohosted by William Shatner.

• The Oscars ceremony will be even longer than ever when host Anna Nicole Smith spends the first hour vomiting.
• The Clinton Presidential Library will open in Little Rock featuring 80 million items - three of which were never inside Monica Lewinsky.
• While eating at a restaurant, a New York Yankees player will administer the Heimlich maneuver to a woman, prompting the headline "choking victim saves choking victim".
• The human race will finally receive a message from outer space; a long, boring message about home refinancing.
• Star Jones and her new husband will shock those who feel their marriage is a sham when they begin practicing an extremely passionate, physical, and loud sexual routine that neighbors refer to as "chocolate thunder".
• It will once again be okay to make fun of midgets when midgets admit that they could grow if they wanted to.
• NBC will air its most challenging episode of Fear Factor ever, in which contestants are asked to swallow the notion that Clay Aiken is not gay.
• Barely legal magazines will suffer a drop in readership when instead of girls who just turned 18, they begin featuring immigrants whose work visas are about to expire.
• People will stop using vacuum cleaners when they realize that dust is coming into their homes just to get sucked.
• Captain Kirk, Spock, Sulu, and the other will reunite one last time when they agree to make Star Trek 9: The Last Payment on Shatner's Beach House.

June 16, 2005

This segment was cohosted by Larry King.

• Mike Tyson will prove he is still the world's greatest boxer when he takes a job assembling cardboard boxes.
• Parents will stop telling their kids about the birds and the bees when the birds and the bees release a series of bondage porno films.
• The Beach Boys will finally change their names to The Beach Men, but only because Michael Jackson keeps asking to meet them.
• Paris Hilton's marriage will come to an unfortunate end after she decides that she wants to see 600 other people.
• Sales of Dr. Pepper will plummet after it's revealed that Dr. Pepper went to medical school in Guatemala, and he specializes in back alley boob jobs.
• Hunters in Alaska will shoot and kill a black bear and then discover to their horror that it was actually a skinny-dipping Tony Shalhoub.
• Scientists will discover that Galapagos turtles live for a long time not because of their slow metabolism, but because they just want to be a burden on their children.
• Not having a joke to tell of his own, Larry King will take a phone call.
  • The caller says "Angelina Jolie will break up yet another happy marriage when she gets between Star Jones and her waffles."
• Larry King will lose his endorsement deal with Welch's grape juice when it's revealed King hasn't had juice in his grapes for over twenty years.
• Larry King will call Conan O'Brien and ask him to appear of his show as Man of the Year. O'Brien will arrive at the designated time, only to find an empty studio. Larry King will be sitting at home laughing his ass off.

August 16, 2005

This segment was cohosted by Mr. T.

• Rafael Palmiero will once again deny taking steroids, but his speech will be drowned out the loud wooshing sound of his testicles shrinking.
• Gas prices will get so high, they'll start hanging out with Snoop Dogg.
• Israel will pull out of Gaza, but not before contracting Gazarrhea.
• Jude Law will have an affair with Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez when he mistakes him for Nanny Ramirez.
• The old saying "the camera add ten pounds" will prove literally true when Kirstie Alley eats the camera.
• The guy who played Carmine on Laverne and Shirley will look into a mirror and know he looks familiar, but not know from where.
• Pope Benedict will create a new egg recipe he calls eggs benedict. When he is informed that the name "eggs benedict" already exists, he will change his name to Pope Huevos Rancheros.
• Britney Spears will announce she's going into labor, and Kevin Federline, thinking labor means work, will run away.
• The internet will turn ten years old. Upon hearing this, Michael Jackson will immediately ask how he can get on the internet.
• After five weeks in Texas, George W. Bush will return to Washington, go into the Oval Office, spin around in his chair for five minutes, and return to Texas for a much-needed vacation.
• After becoming a judge on American Idol, Mr. T will be fired the first night for telling the judges "I pity Abdul."
• After performing "In the Year 2000", Mr. T will change his catchphrase "I pity the fool" to "I pity that chump Conan O'Brien."

September 30, 2005

This segment was cohosted by John McEnroe.

• President Bush finally throws himself into helping with the hurricane aftermath when he's informed aftermath doesn't involve actual math.
• Paris Hilton will be featured in US News and World Report when it's revealed that after the University of Texas, she has the greatest number of incoming freshmen.
• Kate Moss will learn her lesson about the dangers of cocaine when she loses her balance and falls into the straw.
• The Vatican will maintain its official ban on gay priests, but will, as a conciliatory gesture, allow bayberry-scented candles during Mass.
• Katrina and Rita will team up again and create far more misery when they get a sitcom on NBC.
• While on display at the Disney store in midtown Manhattan, Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head will suddenly open its eyes, gaze out at Times Square, and shout "Where'd all the whores go?"
• Clay Aiken's attempt to prove he's straight will be undermined when it's revealed that his German family name was originally the much longer "Aiken-for-man-sausage."
• John McEnroe's talk show will be cancelled thanks to a ridiculously bad call by a blind, moronic CNBC executive with his head up his ass.
• Ben Affleck will have the biggest hit of the year when someone passes him a large joint after his next movie bombs.
• Conan O'Brien will take up tennis and become the world's first mixed single champion.
• Michael Jackson will give back the entire Beatles song catalog when he realizes that it's over 11 years old.

October 6, 2005

This segment was cohosted by The Edge.

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore will have a child. It's first words? "Hey, who's the old lady?"
• Industrial Lucite will replace Crystal as the most common stripper name.
• U2 will become very self-destructive and replace Bono with a far less reliable singer: Bonaduce.
• U2 will reveal that they wrote the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" after they went to four supermarkets looking for Boo Berry cereal.
• Mr. T will direct a documentary about Kirstie Alley's week-long tour of the Grand Canyon. The title? I Pity the Mule.
• U2 will reluctantly admit that the original title for their album Achtung Baby was in fact Oy Vey, Mama.
• Bono will catch mono from Alyssa Milano, The Edge will clip a hedge for Sister Sledge, Adam Clayton will worship Satan in Dayton, and Larry Mullen Jr. will be impossible to rhyme with.
• The Edge will admit that he wears a knitted cap to take the attention off Bono's crap sunglasses.
• The Edge will admit that the reason he wears knit caps is to cover the forehead tattoo that says "I heart Urkel".
• In the name of world peace, there will be a short commercial break, and then U2 will continue hijacking Late Night With Conan.

December 15, 2005

This segment was cohosted by Jack Black.

• During a press conference, George W. Bush will admit that he ignored warning about the possibility of faulty intelligence - warnings that began when he was in the first grade.
• Hugh Hefner will brag that he still has sex with Playboy playmates, though he will now define sex as allowing someone to chew your food for you.
• American auto manufacturers will show how out of touch they are with US consumers when they introduce the new Ford Jihad.
• Chickens will begin laying eggs far more quickly once they taste their first western omelet.
• The serenity of Sesame Street will be shattered when Silent E finally snaps and guns down the other letters.
• The world's perception of Dick Cheney will change drastically when a movie appears on the internet that shows the Vice President at home in his underwear wearing a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and watching South Park with two Black chicks.
• This holiday season, aliens that look exactly like fresh-baked gingerbread men will pick the worst possible time to invade Earth.
• After months of cave-to-cave searches, US troops in Afghanistan will admit they have not found Osama Bin Laden, but they did locate the guy who played Dobber on Coach.
• The polar ice caps will melt, but the Earth's coastal cities will be spared from flooding when quick-thinking authorities hand Kirstie Alley a straw.
• The controversial president of Iran will make his most outrageous statement yet when he claims that Madonna just keeps getting better and better.
• Kevin Federline will score a #1 hit when Fox ranks the top ten white trash moments on Cops.
• The new King Kong movie will shatter all box office records, making actor Jack Black the biggest movie star in the world. He will remain the same quiet, humble, unassuming man that the world absolutely adores as much for his dashing good looks as his massive talent, which grows by leaps and bounds as he moves effortlessly from picture to picture, from comedy to drama, from arthouse flick to humongous blockbuster - hey Oscar committee, go see the movie and do your damn job! You hear me? DO YOUR JOB!

April 5, 2006

This segment was cohosted by Jon Lovitz.

• Iran will admit that they've already got the bomb after opening a basic that contains Basic Instinct 2.
• Gillette will produce a new five-blade razor that's unionized. Only three blades work, while the other two lay around and eat donuts.
• Angelina Jolie will give birth to a baby girl who, ironically, will be adopted by a Cambodian peasant family.
• Martha Stewart will return to jail when she plays the board game Monopoly and lands there. Oh, and by the way, she's playing the game is prison because she killed a guy.
• Nicole Richie will find herself surrounded by food when a farsighted man uses her as dental floss.
• Katie Couric will leave NBC's Today Show - for Jon Lovitz. (What? It could happen!) Seriously: Katie Couric will leave NBC for a new position - on Jon Lovitz.
• The company knows as Mailboxes Etc. will admit that the Etc. stands for trading in black market panda organs.
• Ruben Studdard will invent a new version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon called "Sixty Pounds of Tasty Bacon".
• Clay Aiken will rush to see the movie Inside Man when he misreads the title as Inside Men.
• President Bush's poll numbers will sink so low, he will finally be forced to learn fractions.
• Jon Lovitz will once again utter the phrase "Yeah, that's the ticket!" when he takes a job as a coat check in a Fresno porn theater.
• People will assume that Jon Lovitz brought back his pathological liar character when he tells Conan O'Brien he's hilarious.
• Jon Lovitz will create a one-man show called Lovitz or Leave Itz. On opening night, everyone will leave itz.
• Conan O'Brien's penis will set the world record. Sadly, it will be for speed and not for size.

August 11, 2006

This segment was cohosted by Kevin Nealon.

• When he realizes he can also count his toes, President Bush will extend his ten-day vacation to twenty days.
• Mel Gibson will again anger Jewish people, this time when he nabs the last potato knish at a Catskills buffet.
• Tightened airport security will require passengers to check all liquids and electronics, remove all shoes, belts, and neckties, and then drive to their destination.
• Nicole Richie will come out with a new diet pill. The pill will be shaped like a long index finger.
• Lance Bass will go back into the closet and stay there until all of his leather pants are organized by color.
• Paris Hilton will abstain from sex for a full year. She will use this time to make some much-needed repairs.
• Out of ideas for songs about California, the Red Hot Chili Peppers will release an album containing songs about other songs about California.
• Jamie Foxx will realize that the second X in his last name is unnecessary and will try to have it removed. Unfortunately, both Xs will die during surgery.
• Hillary Clinton will follow in her husband's footsteps. Unfortunately, those footsteps will lead her to a cheap motel where Bill is hooking up with a Denny's waitress.
• After Joan Rivers has her makeup confiscated by airport security, even the terrorists will realize they've gone too far.

December 19, 2006

This segment was cohosted by Ben Stiller.

• President Bush will finally read the official report on Iraq when it's handed to him in a Thomas the Tank Engine binder.
• John Mayer's career will immediately end when it's revealed he wrote the song "Your Body Is A Wonderland" for Barbara Walters.
• Lindsay Lohan will finally give up on alcohol when she discovers an organic tea that produces all-natural bad decisions.
• Keith Richards will eat a gallon of rat poison, saw his own head off, and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, making him slightly late for a recording session that day.
• In an effort to cut costs, many day spas will stop offering expensive high colonics and instead just give customers two Taco Bell burrito supremes.
• Hugh Grant will win an Oscar, Hugh Laurie will win an Emmy, and Hugh Jackman will win a Golden Globe, prompting Mel Gibson to complain the Hughs run Hollywood.
• Democratic presidential candidate senator Barack Obama will no longer have to worry about his name alienating voters after Republicans nominate senator OJ Federline.
• Sylvester Stallone will release yet another Rocky movie. This time, he successfully knocks out his opponent with one swing of his low-hanging testicles.
• Britney Spears' gynecologist will tell Britney "You don't need to come in for a checkup this year, I examined you in the newspaper."

January 30, 2007

This segment was cohosted by Bob Saget.

• Barack Obama will not be hurt by the disclosure that his middle name is Hussein when it's repealed that John McCain's middle name is Kim Jong-Il.
• Salmon will stop swimming upstream to spawn when they realize they can get laid a lot easier on Craigslist.
• Product placement during the Super Bowl will reach a new low when Peyton Manning is carried off the Motorola playing field with a Diet Mountain Dew severe concussion.
• Snoop Dogg will drop the second G from his name when he realizes that writing it takes three tenths of a second away from his pot-smoking time.
• Actress Helen Mirren will be over her head when she tackles her most difficult role yet: playing British Queen Elton John.
• George Bush will appear on America's Funniest Home Videos in a short clip entitled "State of the Union Address".
• The US geological survey will redesignate the site of the lowest elevation in the United States from Death Valley to Larry King's testicles.
• Monkeys will stop angrily throwing their feces at zookeepers and instead just passive-aggressively mail it to them.
• After a bitter argument, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will no longer speak to each other. However, their vaginas will remain good friends.

August 7, 2007

This segment was cohosted by Drew Carey.

• Lindsay Lohan will once again enter a rehab center - when the SUV she's driving crashes through the bay window of a rehab center.
• There will be no doubt that Barry Bonds took steroids when doctors discovers two tiny asterisks where his testicles used to be.
• America will put a man on Mars, Russia will perfect cold fusion, and China will create toothpaste that doesn't kill anyone.
• Excited British scholars will discover a lost Shakespeare play, but will doubt its authenticity when they find the main characters are named Rerun and Rodge.
• Rapper 50 Cent will lose street credibility when he stops rapping about being shot and starts rapping about the poor selection of scented soaps at Crabtree and Evelyn.
• The art world will be shocked when it's learned the original title of Whistler's Mother was actually Whistler's MILF.
• Millions of people will tune in to the A&E reality show The Two Coreys, only to be disappointed that the show stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, not the other two Coreys. Which other two Coreys? Any other two Coreys!
• Astronomers will discover a planet exactly like Earth in every way, except that their Star Jones is still fat.
• Drew Carey will prove to be The Price Is Right's most controversial host ever when he ends every show not by asking viewers to neuter their pets, but by calling for the age of consent to be lowered to thirteen.
• America will know Drew Carey is not their daddy's Price Is Right host when he launches the new game Two in the Plinko, One in the Stinko.

March 19, 2008

This segment was cohosted by Tracy Morgan.

• Former New York governor Elliot Spitzer will announce he resigned to spend more time with his family of hookers.
• To improve its image, malt liquor will instead be referred to as "ghetto Advil".
• The cast of Broadway's The Little Mermaid will flee in horror when Star Jones enters the theater carrying a tub of tartar sauce.
• Tracy Morgan will make it to the Olympics - the Olympics of getting girls pregnant.
• During the NCAA tournament, it will be discovered that was people thought was the Duke mascot, the Blue Devil, was really Dick Cheney having a heart attack.
• Yo, RoRo, don't forget to pick up Charika and Shadella at McDonald's after their dance practice tomorrow. That wasn't a prediction, I just know my brother is watching.
• It will be clear just how bad the economy is when Lehman Brothers is sold to Goldman-Sachs for a six-pack of Sprite and two tickets to an arena football game.
• (Tracy Morgan) will be the next blind Black governor of New York. He's got the Black part down, now he just needs to look at a naked Alan Alda.
• The New York Mets will make everyone quickly forget last year's late-season collapse when this year, they collapse in spring training.
• Former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevy will be involved in yet another three-way. Meanwhile, late night talk show host Conan O'Brien will be involved in yet another one-way.

May 12, 2008

This segment was cohosted by William Shatner.

• A massive nuclear war will destroy every living thing, except cockroaches and Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign.
• Speed Racer will be considered such a box office flop that Pauly Shore will be added to the movie retroactively.
• Pope Benedict will explain that he only joined the Hitler Youth as a boy because there was no room left in the Mussolini Cub Scouts.'
• The makers of Grand Theft Auto will finally admit that the game is based entirely on a John McCain temper tantrum.
• The last Star Trek geek will die surrounded by his loved ones: a DVD of the tribble episode and a dry-humped poster of Lieutenant Ahura.
• The headlines will be dominated by another celebrity stalking case, this time involving Larry King and his stalker, the Grim Reaper.
• Barbara Walters will confess she had an affair with a prominent political leader from Massachusetts, and most Americans will find out who the politician is when they watch the HBO miniseries John Adams.
• Fans of Bugs Bunny will be stunned to learn that Bugs' original catchphrase was not "What's up, doc?" but rather "What's erect, admiral?"
• The popularity of eggs will drop dramatically when the slogan is changed from "the incredible edible egg" to "the incredible edible little baby chicken that never had a chance".
• William Shatner will admit his original name was actually William Shat-near-the-woods.
• The top two names for boys will be Jacob and Brian, while the top two names for girls will again be Emily and Conan.

August 7, 2008

This segment was cohosted by Seth Rogen.

• Brett Favre will take his new team, the New York Jets, to the Super Bowl. The team will sit in section 135, row B.
• The shark that attacked Ryan Seacrest will confess that biting Seacrest was just his way of coming out to his parents.
• The air in China will become so polluted that doctors will recommend Chinese mothers smoke during pregnancy to protect the baby.
• As each country enters the Olympic opening ceremony, Angelina Jolie will be overheard saying "Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em, got 'em..."
• Kirstie Alley will team up with the makers of Wrigley gum to produce a new flavor: pork mint.
• Lindsay Lohan will enter the Betty Ford clinic; not to go to rehab, but to make out with Betty Ford.
• Morgan Freeman will get into another car accident, prompting a new law against narrating while driving.
• God will smoke marijuana for the first time, realize that his name spelt backwards is "dog", and laugh his ass off for one million years.
• Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to a perfectly beautiful, healthy, already pregnant baby girl.
• After winning an Oscar for his work in The Dark Knight, actor Christian Bale will return home to show the statuette to his mother. The diversion will land perfectly, allowing Bale to land three solid punches to her stomach.
• Illusionist Criss Angel will shake hands with Spencer Pratt from The Hills, tearing a giant hole in the douchebag continuum.

September 24, 2008

This segment was cohosted by Alec Baldwin.

• Yet another politician will become embroiled in a sex scandal when McCain admits he participated in a three-way when he hooked up with Adam and Eve.
• President George W. Bush will refuse to go see Oliver Stone's new movie W, insisting that he first watch the films A through V.
• An aging Brett Favre will lead the Jets to a crushing victory over the Bengals. I'm sorry, did I say the Bengals? I meant the 80s pop band The Bangles.
• Highly sensitive microphones will reveal that human hair actually screams when its cut, and even more disturbingly, moans dirty words when shampooed.
• Kirstie Alley launches her own version of the Jenny Craig diet when she eats someone named Jenny and someone named Craig.
• Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin will refuse to be guarded by secret service agents, claiming "You know me, I never use protection."
• Turkeys will successfully lobby to change the name of Thanksgiving to Murder Day.
• Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will travel to the UN headquarters in New York City, where he will rail against Israel and threaten the swift destruction of their evil Zionist regime. Then he'll head over to Katz's deli for a quick knosh.
• Singer David Bowie will embarrass himself by going into a restaurant and loudly ordering the ch-ch-ch-chowder.
• After voting against the equal pay law and Martin Luther King Day, John McCain will run for president with a woman and lose to a Black guy.
• White Castle will change its slogan from "It's what you crave" to the more honest "It's what gives you diarrhea".
• Alec Baldwin will appear on Late Night With Conan O'Brien just so he can hang out with his good buddy Conan O'Brien, and not to shamelessly promote the 30 Rock season 2 DVD, available October 7.
• Scandal will rock the McDonalds corporation after a video is circulated of a nude Ronald McDonald underneath a sweaty Grimance happily shouting "I'm loving it!"
• After Alec Baldwin has dinner with Conan O'Brien, the tabloids will announce "Baldwin hits the town with Molly Ringwald".

November 6, 2008

This segment was cohosted by Sarah Silverman.

• George W. Bush's last month as President will be considered a rousing success when Bush decides to leave office a month early.
• Barack Obama will announce his pick for secretary of state: domestic terrorist Bill Ayers. Damn it, why didn't we listen!?
• Sarah Palin's kids names; Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper, will seem normal when we hear what she wanted them to be: Foof, Gimlet, Anus, Leilei, and Son-of-Sam
• Sarah Silverman will launch her own version of YouTube called JewTube, which only features videos of her uncle Morty clearing his throat in a deli.
• In a misguided attempt to be edgy, America's beef producers will change their slogan from "Beef: it's what for dinner" to "Beef: Get in the van and don't ask any questions".
• A secrert admirer will send Barack Obama a dozen roses. They will come with a note promising anything and everything. He will have no idea who they're from...unless he's watching this show right now.
• The FDA will demand that fast food chains list the health benefits associated with their foods. Unable the think of any, the management at Taco Bell will settle for "deep rectal burning".
• An elderly woman will slip in the shower and break her hip. Only God will see it, so only God will laugh.
• The question of "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" will be answered by an actual eyewitness: Larry King.
• After discussing the matter privately with dozens of people, Conan O'Brien will realize that he's the only person who faces the tank when he makes #2.
• Paris Hilton will stop having sex with hundreds of men at a time when she rents an airplane hangar that holds thousands of men at a time.
• The phrase "erect clitoris" will be uttered for the first time ever on late-night television, however, the phrase "itchy (bleep)" with be bleeped.

January 28, 2009

This segment was cohosted by Matthew Broderick.

• US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger will become a hero again when he crash-lands his plane on Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat.
• Conan O'Brien will begin hosting The Tonight Show, giving millions the chance to ask "Who gave Tilda Swinton her own talk show?"
• Now that she's single again, Amy Winehouse will be seen downtown every night with her arms around a different toilet.
• Instead of playing cops and robbers, America's obese children will just play desk cops and online identity thieves.
• Howie Mandel will follow up his new NBC prank show Howie Do It with a new show; Howie Can Possibly Face Himself in the Mirror Everyday.
• Pandas will finally come clean and admit they're just goth polar bears.
• Strapped for cash, Ann Coulter will invite tourists to come climb her Adam's apple.
• OJ Simpson will be released, but only long enough for the naked cellmate holding him down to change positions.
• 77,000 jobs will be lost in one day when Paris Hilton sprains both wrists and develops a case of lockjaw.
• Broadway, desperate for new material, will start adapting shows directly from ringtones. Matthew Broderick will win a Tony for his part in DE de de DE, DE de de DE, DE de de DE, DE: The Musical.
• A new diary by Mary Todd Lincoln will reveal that after he made love to her, Abe would lean in to her and whisper "You just got Lincoln logged."

June 3rd, 2009

The segment, like all on The Tonight Show, was co-hosted by Andy Richter.

• President Obama will reverse his position on waterboarding after the CIA demonstrates it's the most effective way to keep Joe Biden from talking.
• Dodgers fans will suspect that slugger Manny Ramirez is again taking female hormones when during afternoon games, he demands the Jumbotron be turned to Oprah
• The ShamWow guy will reveal he's not the real ShamWow guy, but actually a sham ShamWow guy.
• Jesus will return to Earth, but, due to the bad economy, will be forced to lay off seven of the twelve apostles.
• Spencer Pratt will be declared the winner of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, after it's renamed I'm A Douchebag, Leave Me Here.
• A long-lasting peace deal is brokered in the Middle East when the Palestinians agree to help the Jews move out in exchange for beer and pizza.
• A movie will be made about the NBC primetime lineup called Land Of The Last.
• GM will still not understand how to make cars America wants, as evidenced by the debut of the new Chevrolet Scrotum.
• The producers of So You Think You Can Dance will create a far more challenging show, So You Think You Can Spend Ten Minutes In A Stalled Elevator With Gary Busey.
• Matthew McConaughey will star in a new movie, playing Arctic explorer Robert Perry during his quest to reach the North Pole. McConaughey will be shirtless the entire film.
• YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called YouTwitFace.

June 26, 2009

• The Learning Channel will scramble to replace their former hit Jon and Kate Plus Eight with the even more compelling Angelina and Brad and a Bunch of Kids from Chad.
• The movie Year One will flop at the box office after Larry King tells America "It wasn't like that at all."
• Rush Limbaugh will continue to criticize healthcare reform after his HMO refuses to cover his breast reduction.
• Kim Jong-Il's son takes over as the leader of North Korea in that country's traditional passing of the ladies' sunglasses.
• General Motors will begin selling smarter, more efficient cars that break down within walking distance of a Toyota dealership.
• Babies will start listening to dance music when Lady Gaga teams up with the Goo Goo Dolls to form the supergroup Gaga Goo Goo.
• A determined Kirstie Alley will enter a grocery store where all the hams are on sale. Her frenzied swiping will cause a rare meteorological event known as a "ham tornado".
• Manny Ramirez returns to baseball after his suspension for using female fertility drugs and becomes the first player in history to hit for the menstrual cycle.
• Matthew McConaughey will be worshipped as a visionary prophet when global warming forces everyone to go shirtless.
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag will announce they've given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby douche.
• TV will reach new lows with the debut of the reality show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Paris Hilton.

July 22, 2009

• Osama Bin Laden will indeed by met by 72 virgins when he attends a screening of the new Harry Potter movie.
• General Motors will be headed straight back to bankruptcy after the release of their first new car, the Chevy Bonaduce.
• NBC's America's Got Talent will change its name to the more accurate America's Got Talent, Just Not Here.
• The cast of Friends will reunite - to rob one of Jennifer Aniston's houses.
• After a freak accident, Two and a Half Men will be renamed One and Three Quarters Men and a Bag of Hair and Teeth.
• Joan Rivers will finally meet her maker: chief engineer Takashi Yamamoto of the Tujo Polymer Plastics Company.
• The world will gain a whole new respect for John Cusack's acting talents when he also reveals he's been Joan Cusack this entire time.
• Giving up on the policy of "don't ask, don't tell", the US military will adopt a new program for dealing with gay soldiers called "Drop and give me twenty and make it fabulous".
• Swine flu will be overshadowed by the much more embarrassing, but cuter, koala herpes.
• The series Entourage will take a dark and unexpected turn when an episode ends with things turning out only mostly awesome for Vince and the boys.
• The reality show So You Think You Can Dance? will be replace by a spinoff where a contestant's knees are hit with a heavy mallet. The new show called How About Now? NOW Do You Think You Can Dance?.

August 6, 2009

• The government will end Cash For Clunkers and replace it with the far less popular Cash For Nude Polaroids of Al Roker.
• Dancing With The Stars fails to score a hit with its spinoff show; Dancing A Little Too Closely With Your Alcoholic Uncle.
• After publishing his memoirs, George W. Bush will admit that most of the book was written by the Microsoft Word paperclip.
• Accusations of steroid use against Red Soz slugger David Ortiz will be so hurtful, Ortiz will shed tears that shoot out of his eyes so forcefully they kill three bystanders.
• Kirstie Alley will pull her hamstring. Not the hamstring in her leg, but the 900-pound string of hams that she pulls behind her wherever she goes.
• Bernie Madoff will be released, but only long enough for his 300-pound cellmate to change positions.
• World hunger will no longer be a problem when 30 years worth of bread crumbs are raked out of ZZ Top's beards.
• Conan O'Brien will be on the cover of People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when he sits on a copy left on his sofa.
• After President Bill Clinton travels to North Korea to negotiate the release of two female journalists, he'll then travel to a Korean massage parlor to negotiate his own release.

August 24, 2009

• Following in President Obama's footsteps, President George W. Bush will also vacation on Martha's Vineyard. As a result, the Mexican restaurant that made Baracko Tacos will now offer Burritos Stupidos.
• Bill Clinton will once again save the lives of two hot Asian women when he gets them out of his bedroom just before Hillary comes home.
• The US government will finally go bankrupt after it allowed families to trade in their fat kids in a program called Cash For Chunkers.
• Two hydrogen atoms will combine with one oxygen atom, while a third hydrogen atom gets the whole thing on video.
• Chevy will introduce a car so advanced it actually feels ashamed to be a Chevy.
• The New York Mets will finally start playing winning baseball after they institute their newest fan promotion: bring a Major League-ready prospect to the game night.
• Kirstie Alley will be audited by the IRS after they've discovered that for several years on her tax returns she's been claiming Carl's Jr. as a dependent.
• On the list of his life goals, actor Gary Busey will cross out "mount career comeback" and replace it with "yell at fire hydrant".
• Kate Gosselin will move in with porn star Rom Jeremy. Their new reality show will be called Ron and Kate Plus Eight and a Half.

September 11, 2009

• Paula Abdul will make an unforgettable return to American Idol when she drunkenly crashes into the studio in a stolen ambulance.
• After hearing that Tyra Banks got big ratings for doing her show without a wig, Dr. Phil will go on the air and dramatically remove his U-shaped toupee.
• The new Beatles Rock Band game will make millions of people happy, until it is broken up by the Yoko Ono Rock Band game.
• Chrysler will offer anyone who buys a PT Cruiser a money-back guarantee for sixty days, or for the life of the car - whichever comes first.
• Brett Favre's last-second Super Bowl-winning touchdown will be disallowed when replays show Favre retired just before he crossed the goal line.
• Anthropologists will discover the exact date when man first stood upright, put on suspenders, and began hosting Larry King Live.
• Michael Vick's successful comeback to the NFL will be marred by new evidence suggested he once forced dogs to watch episodes of The Hills.
• Paris Hilton will suddenly show up at three-way party talks in the Middle East. When asked why, she will say that all she heard was "party", "three-way", and "middle".
• The term "frenemy" will be replaced by the far more accurate "palhole".

October 6, 2009

• Chicago will finally get to host the Olympics when Oprah Winfrey buys Rio de Janiero and moves it ot Chicago.
• Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue, will prove incredibly successful. Far less successful? John's McCain's disturbing new memoir, Going Commando.
• After Radioshack changes its name to The Shack and Pizza Hut changes its name to The Hut, Olive Garden will change its name to The Horrible Restaurant.
• After being defeated by Brett Favre's Vikings, the Green Bay Packers will get revenge on Favre when they petition the NFL to make Polident a banned substance.
• NBC will become a paid TV channel. For every hour you watch it, they will pay you 50 dollars.
• Fast food portion sizes will expand so much that restaurants will offer only two soft drinks sizes: diabetes now and diabetes later.
• After being fired from Jon and Kate Plus Eight, Jon Gosselin will star in a new reality show with Paula Abdul called Jon and Paula Plus Alcohola.
• Rob Lowe will start to look a tiny bit older.
• Paris Hilton will become the spokesperson for Nabisco's newest cookie: Repeatedly Stuffed Oreos.
• Conan O'Brien will confess that he has had sexual relations with coworkers in the past. Sadly, it was back when he was self-employed.

November 12, 2009

• The makers of the TV show Glee wil create a much more realistic portrayal about life in a high school choir called Daily Beatdown.
• Sammy Sosa will bleach his face white so he can begin his new sports career; driving for NASCAR.
• Lou Dobbs will leave CNN to pursue his one true passion: scowling at the busboys at Cracker Barrel.
• After losing out on the Olympics, Chicago will enjoy a comeback when it hosts the "people under 40 heart attack championships".
• Forbes magazine will name Ryan Seacrest one of the ten richest men in TV, proving that old adage: too much money makes you gay.
• The Republicans will introduce their own healthcare plan. Instead of the public option, it will include an option for poor people to go F themselves.
• In an interview, Levi Johnston will acknowledge the irony of his becoming a centerfold when he admits "Most people don't associate me with something that pulls out."
• Anthropologists will discover that prostitution is actually the second oldest profession, next to hosting Larry King Live.
• After its 40th birthday, Sesame Street will experience a midlife crisis and leave its wife to start banging the much younger Yo Gabba Gabba.
• OJ Simpson will escape from prison but be caught by police after checking into a hotel under the fake name "Chet Murderowski."
• Dog expert Cesar Milan will team up with Jon Gosselin in his new show The Douche Whisperer.

November 30, 2009

• After seeing the success of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue, John McCain will publish his own book; Going Five Times a Night.
• China will do incredibly well in every Winter Olympic event, except the cross-country speak freely competition.
• Dancing With The Stars will be cancelled and replaced with an identical show that is more accurately named: Jumping Around With The Has-Beens.
• After NASA announces they've found water on the moon, astronaut Neil Armstrong will call up and sheepishly mumble "That's not water".
• Scientists will isolate the genetic material that makes some people giant a-holes. Scientists will say it was easy to spot since it was the only gene wearing a Bluetooth headset.
• The Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world will seem much less fearsome when it's revealed that every month of the calendar has a different photo of a baby in a vegetable costume.
• NBC's The Biggest Loser will come under fire from human rights activists after it adds a competition called "escape the harpoons, me tubbies!"
• The National Hockey League will expand to 32 teams ,requiring each of the league's sixteen fans to double up.
• Spencer and Heidi write a sequel to their book How To Be Famous, called How To Siphon Gas Out Of Your Neighbor's Honda Civic When You're No Longer Famous.

January 4, 2010

• In an attempt to make the new Sherlock Holmes movie more appealing to today's audience, Holmes' famous catchphrase "Elementary, my dear Watson." will be updated to "Google it, bee-otch."
• MTV's Jersey Shore cast members Snooki and The Situation will have a child, which they name The Will-Never-Go-To-College.
• Jesus will return to Earth and perform one more miracle when he sells a Chrysler.
• Homeland security will have to deal with another case of exploding underwear on an airplane after Kennedy Airport opens its first Taco Bell.
• Tiger Woods will lose his final sponsor after Sal's Topless Car Wash in New Jersey decides they want to "keep in classy".
• Scott Baio will make a comeback. Oh, I'm sorry, I misread that. It says: Scott Baio will work at Outback.
• James Cameron will direct and produce the biggest flop in film history, when he follows up Avatar with the 3D movie Benatar; the story of Pat Benatar.
• Adam Lambert will tweet that he really loves gummy bears. Not the candy, but burly, toothless, gay dudes.
• A popular female singer and a world-renowned classical cellist will be involved in a controversy involving motorcycles in Los Cabos, Mexico, prompting the New York Post headline "Lady Gaga and Yo Yo Ma in Baja Yamaha brouhaha".